Tuesday, June 26, 2007

“THAT AIN’T HERS!”

Words. So powerful. Just imagine. The words I write influence and entertain people around the world! Fascinating huh?..yeah, whatever..
I was just thinking back on the cast of characters that my eyes immediately bounced off of in the grocery store tonight. Honestly, the redneck contingent gets to me every now and then. I always walk in the store with blinders on, trying not to look up. Hoping not to see anyone I know.
Ewww!! Snaggle-tooth haint at 3 o’clock! ..with tattoos! Shaped like a chicken, big ‘ol belly and bird legs..Yikes! Here comes the Mom with the uncontrollable kids! “Don’t touch that, thass licker!” she tells the little girl as she’s reaching out for a beer. (Oh, how she wishes!) The little boy is bouncing a kickball size ball in the wine section. I turn away. I can’t watch. I know disaster is eminent. But it never happens. Mom yells something at him that sounds like “Whing whong wing wang whine wang whong whang” and they soon leave the danger zone. Man with melted face walks by. He’s drank every drop he could get his hands on and smoked acres of tobacco. I get in line, stoic young girl with large breasts stands with perfect posture in line one lane over. She looks at me as if she’d like to roll her eyes at the same things I’m disgusted by. She soon stares off. In front of me is Granny, obviously with her addicted-to-something daughter. Granny, who’s been in a bar or two in her day, asks for coffin nails. “Gimme a pack of Marlboro Lights” “THAT AIN’T HERS!” yells the daughter as my stuff accidentally gets conveyer belted across ”the line”. Her temperament is such that she’ll fight about it. She’s screaming like her baby just fell outta the back of the pick up. The cashier pushes my case of bottled waters back. “3 forty seven”, he says as he slides his greasy blonde hair out of his eyes. “Damn! Y’all high down here in Bunn, ain’t ye?! They ain’t but 3 ten at Variety Pick-Up!” I’m seriously holding it back but I’m thinking it. “Well, why don’t you get your old dumb ass down to Variety Pick-Up then! If you so damn worried about that damn 27 cents!” Jeez!! Help me. I’ve become one of them.

7 comments:

Ed said...

something about the grocery stores...

when we visits my homeland and my wife has to run to the store for something she always returns with a "there is no way in hell i could live here"...

Steve said...

It's impossible for me to read the following without laughing:

"Ewww!!! Snaggle-tooth haint at 3 o'clock".

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Old Chum, the RNF is sure enough high in these parts. But, I gotta tellya what happened when I was in Upstate New Yawk last month. It was a hot, sunny Saturday in late May, and I needed some Deep Creep carbon-dissolver spray for the throttle body of my Chebby truck--the kind of stuff that frees up a sticking throttle plate and make it so much easier to drive. Always alert for a spectacle or any kinda people-watching opportunities, I entered the Wal-Mart Super Center in Kingston, NY and got me some of both. Upon returning to my hosts nearby home, I told them despite contentions to the contrary, North Carolina does NOT have the market cornered on slack-jawed yokels. The husband replied "Oh, you musta been to Wal Mart".

I'm enjoying your Blog, TA. Hopin' you make it to Ohio in good form this weekend. Ima gonna hang with Zilla on Saturday night and lissen to some Rock-n-Roll.

FB

Monty Warren said...

T.A.: what you need is to spend about 72 hours in Boca, my friend. You will fucking JET PACK back to the friendly, if...well, illiterate,confines of Bunn-clicking yer Ruby Freakin Slippers all da way!!!

Anonymous said...

Gotta be a song in there sommers, oops, I mean somewhere.

Bobzilla said...

Uh, TA, 3.47 minus 3.10 = 37 cents.

Gonna miss y'all this weekend. Keep the wheels rollin'.

xxoo,

Mr. Smart-Ass Numbers Guy

philwo said...

Like we say in Cologne/Germany: It is like it is and it comes as it comes. So what???