Monday, May 14, 2007

Movies, Murder and Bowls

I seen that movie they called "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" and I had always wondered why it had such a dumbass name. Then, when I seen it, I figgered it out, 'cause it's a dumbass MOVIE! Well, not really, I quite enjoyed it...really! There were actually some great lines in that movie and I thought that Wesley Snipes, Patrick Swayze (huh?) and John Legiuazamo (he he!) were absolutely brilliant! Especially John Legerazmazako (huh?), he/she was funnier'n shit! "If he's having steak for dinner, you gotta let him hear it sizzle!" Ha-cha! There was a message in this movie somewhere so go rent it and figger the bitch out for yourself! Who ya think I am Siskle Ebert Humperdink?
You ever wonder what goes through someone's mind that would drive them to the most utterly hideous, heinous crime of murder? I mean, I've thought about it..How could anyone do such an ungodly act against humanity? It's the most despicable, most unforgivable crime that could ever be committed, truly it is and I think we can all agree on that. But if you DID ever want to step into the mind of a murderer and somehow justify his or her actions then go to the Bunn Food Lion between 5pm and 7:30 pm. You will understand CLEARLY what it's like to want to kill and kill and kill! Oooh! MY! GOD! What a slow bunch of dumb ASSES you have got to deal with! Today, after a dude in front of me had checked out he tried to redeem some coupons that the cashier had just given him with his receipt, and he wouldn't take "NO! HELL NO! BOOO!! GIT THE HELL OUT! YA MOMMA'S UGLY, GO TO HELL! YOU SUCK!" for an answer! After a few calls for "assistance on Aisle 3!" I just got outta line and stood in another one for a few years.
Hey, what is it with these damn bowls? You know the ones I'm talkin' about, KFC, Hardee's and the like trying to get you to buy these bowls full of mixed up overcooked shit. Here's what I'm hearing on the commercial: Fried chicken balls, white gravy, mashed potatoes, cheese and corn just throwed in a bowl and mixed all up and for a low low price of $3.99 or some dumb shit. HUH!? I would throw up blood for days if I even LOOKED at any of that shit! And they are advertising it? they are proud of it? Oh my GOD! I'd rather go through the Bunn Food Lion checkout line!
Bowls!?..... Bowls?!!! What's next people? Take home troughs?:
"You and the family kneel on down and start shoveling' that shit on in! Just $18.99 for our new "Tub o' shit!" It's a gallon of green beans, a bushel of fake mashed potatoes, goat gravy, turnip greens, a dozen buttermilk bisquits and six rib-eye steaks stirred up just right for y'all to fight over in a Tupperware tub that you can use over and over again...with all the fixxin's!..OH!..and a free gallon of sweet tea after 4pm!"
Help me throw this thang in the back of the truck, Junior!

God help us!



Ace said...

Fried Chicken BALLS? Is they like rocky mountain oysters? Wonder what they do with the rest of the chicken??????

Monty Warren said...

A shame 'bout that line at the check out yesterday. Must explain why you didn't git yer freakin DECAF today! Day-amn,boy!

Monty Warren said...

Oh yeah-assuming you're serious about "Too Wong Foo", you might want to look for "Precilla, Queen of the Desert"-it was an Australian version of essentially the same story, and it came out a couple-three years before "Too Wong"(which was the "Hollywood" take on it); it starred the guy who also starred in "Momento"(another really cool movie)and was better than "Too Wong Foo", in this writer's opinion. Whoops-I'm late for my Vente Decaf Double Espresso! [There you go-tomorrow's topic all served up fer ya. Ready,set...rant!]