Tuesday, December 09, 2008

any takers?...any?

Get a load of this asshole, from "Best of Craigs list", sent to me from Dan B.-


SERIOUS guitarist looking for like-minded bandmates to make it big.

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Date: 2008-05-12, 11:13AM EDT

Look here, Hudson Valley. I'm tired of answering ads on these pages only to find poseurs, geeks and acoustic folk acts who want me to change my unique playing style to match their style. It's time for a band that is as unique and forceful as I am, and I'm taking no prisoners.

This monumental effort will require the cooperation of a thunderous bass player with the mind and skills to keep this beast of a freight train on its tracks while a talented drummer will unleash an unrelenting hailstorm of destruction down upon his kingdom of percussion. The band will need to be as focused and driven as I am, willing to meet two, perhaps three times a week. When I host a practice session, I treat it like an Ultimate Fighter match, where nobody leaves until someone taps out. If you think you've got the endurance and fire to keep up, then bring your best, but be warned... I don't let up, and I don't want to share a stage with anyone who will.

As you can see from my picture, I wear chain mail to protect my body from the rigors of extreme playing. When you step up on stage with a true performer like myself, it's like stepping into battle, only instead of swords and arrows, we fight with 32nd notes and pinch harmonics. So in a way, the chain mail is largely symbolic, but my legions of fans have come to appreciate and expect it. You may don similar armor, but only if it fits the theme (no hockey masks or umpire's vests).

You are expected to have suitable gear. If you can see the top of your amplifier, don't bother answering this ad. It is expected that you will have a commitment to tone that approaches mine. (would be impossible to exceed, to be quite honest) I have a pedalboard that is ten feet long and would not dare sacrifice a single effect for the sake of portability. My pedals are alphabetized so that I can easily find them in the middle of "battle". Behringer up front, Zoom at the end. When you've been in the business as long as I have, you tend to come up with little time-saving tricks like that.

So that is my decree. I know that many of you will mock my demands and continue posting your offers and requests for lesser musicians. You may continue to carry on at your own leisurely pace, hoping for a shot at a coffee house or open mic night. I will not rest until we have our own stadium on the moon, with amplifiers pointed towards the sky's infinite expanses, so that we may truly rock the galaxy. I wish for you to join me on this epic quest.

Yours in rock
-^v-Riley-v^-

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Chain mail...Behringer...d00d this guy must RaWk

Anonymous said...

I was gonna reply to the ad until it said no umpire vests. That's my MO.

Tom C

dave g said...

Naw, he's just a good writer that's making fun of most of the other posts on Craigslist.

The Raleigh site is loaded with them.

Anonymous said...

Dear Terry and Dan,
If it wasn't for me mumbling "oh my God.." all the time while reading this,i would be totally speechless...
Thank God for You guys, Roland in the NL

Anonymous said...

WHEN ARE YOU JOINING?

Anonymous said...

Hey!

Do you have Krazy Dave's number? You know, he was the drummer in TOKEN! They got a lot of airplay on WKNC....CMC Records out of Zebulon...ringing any bells?

I think we may have found Krazy Dave's soulmate....

Joey

Anonymous said...

Monty?