Tuesday, January 23, 2007

His'try lesson

I love history. If I’da had a lick’a sense I’da been a history teacher instead of a sorry ‘ol painter/strugglin’musician/truffle farmer. Whenever there’s a good show on the History channel I’ll actually sit down and watch TV. Or like last night on PBS, there was a good adaptation of the life of John Adams on “American Experience”. Here’s what I learned about him (other than the fact that he was butt ugly!..which reminds me…have y’all seen North Carolina’s present day First Lady? Google her under the words “arrf arrf!”), so anyway, if’n Junior needs a few facts for a school paper read him this:
John Adams was a whiney troll faced piss-ant! He was always cryin’ because Jefferson got all the props for puttin’ that Declaration of Independence thingy together. He felt like he had all the good ideas and that Jefferson was merely a scribe and that he never got the recognition he deserved for being one of the true forefathers of this country.
After Washington was president for so long (about 15 years, between 1775 and 1790), America was nervous’er-n-shit about having someone else lead the country, especially this asshole. On George’s last night in the mansion he threw a big party. He had strippers (fat girls in petticoats!) and everyone got really REALLY drunk! On the way out the next morning beer and liquor bottles were everywhere. Even though John was now president and could just order up some room service to clean it up, he did it himself just so he could bitch about how he and his posse had been “dis-respected”. He soon commenced to running the country…in the ground. For the first 6 months he wrote back home to Abigal every week that he missed her, waaaa waaaaa waaaaa! He was so damn lonely, waaaaa waaaaa waaaaa! Everybody is mean to me, waaaa waaa waaaa! Finally she came up to the President’s shack and gave him some and he shut the hell up. Meanwhile, Napoleon was blowing up our ships and trying to bait us into war cause we wouldn’t help them defeat the British. “Ye either with us or ye agin us!” (he said in French) But did John Adams do anything about it? Hell no, he wussed out. So, when re-election time came around and he was running against Jefferson ‘ol Thomas let him have it. He called him a chicken for backin’ down from that little French runt. He lost the election and he and Jefferson didn’t speak for a long time.
One day, a while after Abigal had kicked it, John was removing the curlers from his hair when he received a letter from ‘ol Jefferson that said he was sorry for them mean thangs he said about him in the election. This was “the greatest piece of correspondence (or some shit) that he had ever received in his life!” They sent “love letters” back and forth until one fateful day.
Jefferson woke that morning and said “Is it the Forth?” His servant replied that it was. Jeffy Baby knew that he would die on this day and he did about 1pm. Not ever knowing that his friend had passed, Adams kicked it too on the same damn day approximately at about 4:30pm.
He was survived by John Quincy, the only one of his children that was worth a shit. Two others had died previously. Charles, who was a drunk, died from too much strawberry moonshine. And his daughter, whatever her name was, died from something or other. She had married a “n’er do well” (these days known as a musician) and never had a dime. She was always asking John for money. “Come on, dude! I know ye got some money from that whole Declaration thingy!”

What?!

2 comments:

extrastorchy said...

This old carcass is working toward a BA in history (over the next damn decade). I think you've just written my Honors Thesis.

Anonymous said...

Hey Now!!

I make a living writing the music for that shit. Now wait on it because Adams was way more important than that Jefferson dandy (who thought cities were obsolete and slavery was a good thing) Adams brought Jefferson aboard even though he knew Tom was no stranger to the mirror.
Adams got porked by the machine and was one of the biggest real Patriots this country has produced.
Shit, his wife innoculated the whole family for small pox by dragging a needle through some dudes pustules and lining up the whole family for a poke. Even she had bigger balls than Jefferson!

Winke Dinkie