My azaleas are blooming, my Japanese maples are poppin’ so it must be time for…The Masters golf tournament in Augusta, GA. Now, I love watching golf. It puts me right to sleep. It’s so relaxing watching the best golfers in the world hit out of trees, knock it in the water and miss short putts. I think by far favorite tournament to watch IS The Masters but there are a few things that really bug me about it. Here are five right off the bat; #5…and this ALWAYS has to be mentioned when you talk about pro golf…The Tiger love fest. I like Tiger as much as the next guy but I DO NOT want to have his love child. I can do without all the close-ups of him and all the comments about his physique. I frankly don’t even have to see EVERY shot he hits. #4…the bitchin’ before the tournament about how hard the conditions are. Shutup! I don’t care if you’re playing off of gravel and the greens are like waxed bowling ball floors, go out there and play and LOVE it! What’s the purse on this thing, 7.5 million? Something like that, so in this economy just be OVERLY excited and thankful to be there. #3…Jim Nance. Three days after the NCAA shouting match he had with Clark (“smoove as a baby’s bottom, and twice as explosive!”) Kellogg, he’s whispering in our ears like Barry White trying to “get some”. Annoying. But come to think of it, Barry White would’a been a great golf commentator. “Right on, baby” “Can’t make enough of your putts, baby” He would’a been a lot more awesome than Nance is, fo sho’! #2…the birds. When you’re watching, have you ever noticed that this one annoying bird is always going crazy, yellin’ it’s head off, and then they go to a completely different hole and the SAME bird is raising hell? Well, that is because they mix those bird noises into the TV audio feed. And they are loud as HELL! Who’s mixing? Bob Clearmountain? Anyway, they have been called on it a few times, once even by the Audubon Society because they used a bird call that wasn’t even indigenous to the area! But they still keep doing it.
And my biggest complaint about The Masters by far, coming in at #1…The white pants! I HATE seeing a man in some white damn pants, and very most especially when the sun is shining through them on my 52 inch TV set! Gross! TMI, dudes! I don’t need to see if you wear boxers or briefs, so lose the white drawers OK? Ewww!!
Have fun watching, folks. Wake up and check some of these things out every once in a while, but do like me and close your eyes and roll back over when the dudes in white pants are on.