Thursday, December 04, 2008

my conversation with ISR

This time of year I keep hearin’ them commercials on my Commie radio shows about naming a star after somebody. Now I KNOW I don’t have to worry about offending anyone for what I’m about to say ‘cause nobody what would read my blog would be that damn I G- N U N T!!! You mean somebody actually sends them $55 dollars for a sheet of paper that “says” that there’s a star 40 billion miles from Earth named after somebody they know?!! Like Fred Sanford would say “YOU BIG DUMMY!”
I’d love to call and ask them folks a few questions.
It’d prolly go something like this:

International Star Registry: Hello
TA: Hey, I was interested in naming a star after somebody but I had a few questions first.
ISR: Yes sir, I’d be glad to answer your questions for you.
TA: OK... are you guys part of the government or NASA or anything? I mean, who really recognizes this star as the name that I buy? Do the astronauts use the name I buy as co-ordinates in their travels?
ISR: Uh...no sir, these stars are far beyond the possibility of travel at this time.
TA: Well, can I SEE the star I buy with a Wal-Mart telescope?
ISR: Ha Ha! No sir.
TA: Well, what if I name it after somebody and it turns out that it’s not really a star but an asteroid and crashes to Earth and causes a new ice age and everybody gets mad at the person I name it after.
ISR: uhhhh…that’s not gonna happen sir.
TA: How do you know? If I can’t even see the damn thing how do you know it’s really a star.
ISR: WHO would you like to buy the star for sir?
TA: Well, can I name it after an EX-girlfriend?
ISR: Sure, you can name it after anyone you’d like.
TA: OK, I’d like to call it “cheatin’ bitch”.
ISR: Excuse me.
TA: You said I could name it after anyone.
ISR: I need a name sir, not an accusation about someone and we can especially not use that type of language.
TA: Ok, what if I toned it down a bit, like ‘hateful heifer”?
ISR: No sir. We have to have a name and an address to send the certificate to.
TA: What would happen if I named it after her and it turned out that it was the star of Bethlehem or something? Would I get my money back or would I own rights to that star so that I could SELL the naming rights to the city of Bethlehem or something like that?
ISR: (click)***************************************************************
TA: Hello?
TA: Hello?

1 comment:

FCB said...

Ummmm......too busy drinkin 101 proof bourbon (Virgin Bourbon) to read ALL of your blog, but my friends did have a star named after me several years ago. There was already a constellation named such - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carina_(constellation)

I forgot what else I was going to say. Back to the bourbon......