Tuesday, August 25, 2009


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The xylophone alarm on my shitty phone played a catchy tune and made my head pop straight up at 5:30am this morning. It’s the day that I’ve both been dreading and looking forward to getting over with, colonoscopy day! Yaaay! Everybody knows that guys hate going to the doctor and I’m no exception. I’ve put this off for over two years now. I’m fifty-two and my mom died from cancer so I was overdue for a close up inspection. There was and still is a slight pain under my right ribs occasionally, but it has gotten duller over the days since first going to the doctor, so as you can imagine that pain made me fear the worst. Visions of death panels danced in my head. My son Will was good enough to get up early and go with me and drive home. After checking in Miss Karen prepped me in that cold room with the curtains everywhere and it wasn’t long before the anesthesiologist and another nice lady came and got me and rolled me into another even COLDER room where I met the doctor and was assured that I wouldn’t feel a thing. They squirted the Michael Jackson juice (literally the same stuff!) into my arm and in about 15 seconds I felt VERY heavy (even heavier than usual!). In what seemed like the next instant, I was awakened and told that everything looked normal. That was a weight off of my back that I had been carrying around since the appointment was made 2 weeks ago. I can rest easily (at least MORE easily) now though and will go back in 5 years without any fear of pain from the procedure or embarrassment from being naked in front of pretty girls. The biggest embarrassment is when they push really hard on your belly afterwards and make you FART for a solid minute!
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Mike Elliott said...

Oh, jeez. I've got to do this very thing in two weeks, and boy, am I dreading it! Thanks for the - er - summary, though, I feel a little better now!

Oh, and thanks a lot for the closeups...please tell me that's really your eardrum!

Anonymous said...

Please God...make it stop.... I really wish I hadn't seen that - Stay Away from Your Heroes takes on a whole new meaning for me now.



Anonymous said...

you DID NOT, 'publish', your colon.
In color.

I'm just having a nightmare- this didn't actually happen-any moment, I'm going to wake up, and ONLY see the OUTSIDE of you.

Cripes, I didn't even look at MY OWN damn 'tunnel tour'.

PS- the hardest part for me, WAS, at the end, they made me do the 'wind'- and even all geeked up on the drugs, I simply couldn't 'do it', with hubbie David in the room.
Or in the hospital. ...In town.
'Guess there's SOME romance left?
(very glad you got an 'all clear', btw.)

Unknown said...

So - you're a perfect asshole? We already knew that. Okay - here are some of the top things said during a colonoscopy:
I didn't make these up but I hope your enjoy them.

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all..
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

fireboy48 said...

Ya know, the colonscopy itself isn't really all that bad. I mean, what the hell, you're asleep the whole time. Now, the prep is another story. However, after being diagnosed, at 47, with colon cancer and having a colon resection, colostomy and chemo for 6 months, I'll take the scope any day.